Old Habits

I live
in the illusion,
dearer than
my thousand truths
But deep inside,
tells me a voice,
There is no substance
To back this lie.

I have been seeing things
The way my heart willed to.
Shutting the truth out,
Hoping for a miracle,
out of blue.

 Pent up breath,
The ache,
at the base of the heart,
Tentative smile,
Sadly, but, a practiced art.

Frayed belief,
forlorn hope.
Something, but,
still sparks in my heart.
Don’t they say,
old habits die hard

Many Dreams Later

I wonder,
Whatever happened to the wish
That I had tucked under my pillow.
Did it just die,or,
Float away to sky.
Or, it became a star,
That winks at me from afar,as
I get ready
For another sleepless night?

Standing a little apart from me,
Life looks at me askance.
Seeing through my pretense
Knowing I don't stand a chance
And I carry on
Nonchalant,
With my lifeless existence.

The silver foil comes apart,
Bit by bit.
My quasi perfect world
Stands naked.
The fears were never unfounded.
Many dreams later,
Many wishes after,
I find myself grounded..

The Pause...

The pause,
Stretching beyond eternity.
Hollow, silent,barren
My doubts echoing against its walls.

You cant find much to say,
But your restless fingers,
Drumming incessently
On the table between us,
Have some to convey.

A silent spell screams loud,
I rush to gather some words
Inane,meaningless,
Like empty calories feeding the soul

We look around
Everywhere, but at each other.
Dull, insipid pictures,
Forming a collage that
Fails to stir us.

You hum a songless tune
And I just fight my restless sighs.
We both dodge the inevitable
Senseless efforts to while time

I brace myself,
To meet the evasive eyes
You ask me no truth,my dear
I promise to tell you no lies.

Yes,I shall tell no lies!

SOLO

She walks into the room
Head poised straight.
Scanning quickly
For friends among strangers.

Several glances scan her back
Looking for luck they might have.
She braves the stares,
The lusty peeps.
Composure in place,
Overlooking those creeps

Blatant once overs
And discreet whispers
She manages to beckon
Mindless speculation

She finds a corner
And blends with the wall.
Waiting for a face familiar
Who could help her through it all

A smile across the room she finds
Comforting warmth hugs her tight.,
She smiles back,her eyes crinkle
He comes near, with an answering twinkle

Easy laughter,over some drinks
She feels glad she smoothed some chinks
A light caress,testing waters
He wills to move further

She smiles,wanting to retreat
Polite,not wanting to turn on the heat
He doesn't want to slip it away
As the time is ticking away..

She sees the door,
And makes a beeline
He stalls her confidently to ask
"Your place, or mine?"

Her spirits sink
To lose that link
Abandons her friend
Solo, she walks back round the bend!

UNSUNG LULLABY

The seed of hope
That you foster in your womb
Is your destiny
That you denied for long.

He has chosen to sanctify you
With an Angel in your life.
The gift from heaven is so near
So why are your eyes clouded with fear.

They will take me away,
So far off to bury me.
And your lips will be sealed
But your moist eyes will complain.

Won't you find your voice, ma!


I too want my space in sun
The songs of spring
And rainy days fun.

I too want my slides and swings
Ribbons in pink,
Baubles and rings..

The lullabies you croon
To your child unborn,
Will they ever be sung
Or,You will be left to mourn!

Why doesn't papa want me,
I promise to be good
I too want to ride on his back
Like any son would...

I shall do him proud one day
And he won't be able to keep me away.
Shun your fears,put them to rest
You will see,ma,
I m going to be papa's pet!

Once you loved me true

It’s just as well,
That I had kept some moments aside,
Tucked safely, in my heart.
Some memories of love,
Some moments, just special for us.

For, today, when you look the other way,
I find myself lost!
When the silence screams loud,
And memories stir some noise,
I feel you around!

It’s just as well, I kept those moments aside,
Tucked in my heart.

I put some words together,
A poem, a tribute, a prayer
You call them some lines crafted,
Not likely to get us anywhere!

I urge you to listen
For the sake of  what we called, love.
You close your mind
Perhaps, you want to move on

You can’t hear my voice.
But I can listen to your silence.
You don’t see my love.
 I can see your grievance.

Once, we had dreamed together,
Our souls were in harmony.
I don’t know if it occurs to you,
Once you had also loved me true.

Soul Revived-a set of haikus

Placid lake stirs now,
Kissed by flirtatious breeze
Ripples of desire.

Silent, lonesome heart
Lying dormant for long, wakes,
A song echoes far.

Dry, weathered leaves fall,
New greens sprout another life,
Life sings merrily.


Time to find reasons new,
Shedding all memories old.
Soul revived once again.

Give Me A Break!

No lush greens.
No white beaches,
Nor shimmering seas.

Orange sunsets,
Or peachy dawns.
No high teas,
In manicured lawns

Mad shopping sprees,
Madder family trees,
Gossip sessions till two
And what have you!

The backwaters,
Or exotic locales.
No steep treks,
Nor forest trails.

Nothing works for me today!
Frayed nerves scream above the din.
Give me a break,
My mind needs a holiday!

Champagne Love

Feeling the bubbles rise up the soul;
Heady,
Intoxicating, to the core,
I let it go in to my head
Madly,
Helplessly, being led.

As the bubbles bead
The brim of my heart,
A strange languor
Throws me off-guard.

Floating over the fluffy clouds
Of my mind;
Uncaring,
Halcyon thoughts pull me away,
Leaving my woes behind.

As the effect starts to fade
I find myself,
Startlingly,
On terra firma again.

Spare her a thought...

Moments before the light turned green,
A rap on the window broke my reverie.
Peering inside my rolled up window,
A picture in rags stood now.

Hand extended, face contorted
A feeble voice, message thwarted
Blank response to my mute empathy
And my mind tossed in a quandary.

I could avert my face and ignore her,
Or, pay for the somersaults she performed mid-road
Acrobatics in the middle of the roads
Busy intersections, screaming horns.

That little girl of seven perhaps,
Pausing for no breather between the laps.
Contrasting indifference to commendable feat,
The child of seven, trying to swallow defeat

Some alms thrown in disdain,
Some words of contempt barely contained
She, but, bore them all
Proud dignity in a frame so small

A voice called out from somewhere
She ran there to collect the fare
The light, but, turned green
And she watched in despair.

As the traffic sped past her,
She stood waiting for the next halt to occur.

I carried home the little girl’s plight
She stayed with me through the night.
Morning after, the light dawned new
Her thought evaporated like misty dew….

Storm Within-a series of haikus

It rained all night,
Beating against my window.
My pillow is wet too!

The deluge unstoppable,
Relentless, merciless storm.
Within me, and out!

The dawn appears bleak,
Lifeless, wan, shrouded in grey.
Silence is so loud!

The meaning of love

I lay my bet,
My faith at stake,
On your meaning of Love!

My eyes seek,
With a desperation,
The answers,
To comfort my soul.

Where is the one…
The mate of my mood?
Muted, in my silence
Sparkling, in my eloquence!

Where is the one…
Strong and fired?
In step with me,
Through my tribulations and trials.

I am lonesome,
My soul is quiet.
Can my silence talk with yours
Just for a while?

Silent, barren, desolate
Is my mind!
Can I borrow a dream from you,
And make it mine?

I lay my bet,
My faith at stake,
On this feeling called Love!

Aspirations

I wished to be the sun
That ushered your dawn.
I wanted to be the words
That made your song..
I sought to be the dream,
That you aspired to fulfill.
And,be the strength,
That made your soul heal.

Our worlds were so apart,
The hearts,yet so close!
I wanted the spaces between us
To be filled with hope.

I strived to be the friend,
Your prayers had asked
I wanted to be the one
Who made you laugh!

You might see all doors slammed shut
I,but see a little window
Open for us..

You ask me to cherish the yesterdays
I,but keep the hope
Of yet another day...

Fears unknown

Tip-toeing around you,
Walking, as on egg-shells.
Trying to suppress a painful sigh,
A strange fear clouds my eyes!

Once I laughed fearlessly,
Aloud at your jokes.
Once you gave me wings,
And urged me to soar.

Something fearful grips my heart.
Falling, as if, in a bottomless ditch.
I just want to bury my head,
Deep in the sand as an ostrich.

Whispers the wind,
Seems like storms screaming.
Rustle of leaves,
Startled, I am left heaving.

Something nags at the base of my soul.
Caution stands guard on fears unknown
Bated breath, palpitating heart,
Finds me coping all alone.

Charade

Was there anything between us ever
That tied us together?
No foundation that your shoulder supported,
Nor any promise that made me committed

No obligations tied you;
No confessions held my heartstrings
To a lunatic dance!

Your eyes held no untold secret
My heart never missed a beat,
We were together, days were fun
We could not, but, call us one

You were like a kite,
Flying freely in the sky.
I was a free bird,
Soaring so high.

You were the master of your fate.
And, I was also content
With my state.

But,
Today, as you walk away
I realize the words you failed to say
Though, I never thought, forever
You would stay.
But,
I don’t know why,
I feel a void.

I want to call off this farce
I want to say it after all,
Though, we both had known,
It was not meant to be
Why do I feel as if you betrayed me!

Dolly,24th feb’08

Curdled Clouds

Curdled, disturbed cloud
Not like the one,
I look up in the sky
Nor the one,
I dream to ride.

Just a blob of
Spattered white
Fragmented, split,
A distorted sight.

The skies looked grey,
From my window, yesterday
The wisps of peach, but,
Smeared across, like a playful spray.

Some streaks of silver,
Edged on grey.
Some hues of hope,
Did the gloom away.

But it was yesterday!

The calm azure is threatened today,
Like ripples in the ocean blue.
Traces of hostile vagaries
Haunts my placid view.

Abyss

Now, i m here...
Soon I shall be gone.
You would know then,
What missing is,
When the days will stretch long.

It will be an emptiness, so hollow,
That will swallow the fibre of your need..
Ashen silence;
Deafness,
Where you once heard my pleas.

Hollow;Empty..
Where the hearts were filled once,with love so intense
You will know then,
What is it to be on the brink of an abyss.

You will spread your arms..
And encounter nothing!
You might find then,
what is it like to miss someone..

The intensity of missing,
So great,so grave
The lack of all,
And,
Nothingness,nothingness!!
The spaces will spread so wide
And you will find no place to hide.

The blank,empty walls will echo
What i had felt not so long ago

Your eyes will seek again
What you chose to ignore,
All this while.
You will find the images fade,
Just leaving the imprints of time....

Sunshine kiss

[i ]Heartless winter, stayed longer this while.
No sight of colour to warm the eyes.
She has been hibernating all this time!

The blackened dead leaves,
Lay forlorn,
Wasted, withered
Rudely torn.

The frost has started to melt.
Oh, the sun is finally out!
One speck of green, she spies
Tender sprout, announcing life!

Soon the trees shall have green showers.
The riot of colour, in mad abandon.
The valley is going to sing again,
With the gentle sway of wild flowers.

Will she sing her merry song?
The frost stayed in the heart too long!
Something’s got to thaw this ice…
A sunshine kiss,
Warm and bright!

I need no roses red

The way you cradle my lonely hopes
In the arms of your desires.
The way you soothe my little hurts
By your,oh,so lovely smiles;

I need,then,no roses red
Your love works fine for me instead!

The way your eyes warm mine
A sea of emotions passed that while
I need then,no poetic line;
Your glance says is just as fine

The way you love me across the distance,
The way you love me pure and true.
The way your heart touches mine,
Even if our bodies haven't too;

I need then,no more wishes
This shall surely see me through

I need no roses red[sequel]

The way our love keeps us going,
Despite the blows time and fate had brought
The way we fought with all our spirit,
To save our love from endless assault.

I know that my belief has won
The hornbill has finally sung!

The night, that was darker than ever before,
When my dreams seemed to have lost their way.
Memories of the moments I had frozen,
Sat besides my soul to pray.

I know now what kept me sound.
Your love was still around!

The way you pick thorns out of my way,
And any pebble that might happen to stray.
The way you watch my every stride,
And forever there to lead and guide

I need then no angels’ light
Your love shall be my sight

Time may bring threatening clouds yet again
The sun may take away its warmth yet again
I hope to find you on my horizon,
Comforting and shining like a beacon.

I would need then, no roses red,
Your love would work fine for me instead

Catch me under mistletoe

Several stars twinkle above us.
But I just catch the one in your eye.
The way you look so heatedly at me
In your arms dear, I can happily die.

Dancing in our finest finery
We skirt around the Christmas tree.
Shiny baubles sparkle around,
But we glow in the love we’ve found.

Foggy evening,
Fires blazing high,
Christmas spirit lives on
We can’t let this passion die.

As the evening wears on,
The embers of our passion grow.
And I just hope, honey,
That you catch me under the mistletoe

You are being a man again!

You opine that women are vain!
Strange is your judgment
But then, you are being a man again!

Why is it such a pain,
To acknowledge,for once,our brilliant brain?
Why won't you go beyond our looks
To see ,just once,what keeps you sane?
But then,you are being a man again!

The body that makes you go in a frenzy of lust
Is going,one day,to blend in dust.
The soul that you cant see today
Is going to mate your soul someday

Your perception must alter to break this chain;
But then,you go on being a man again!!

For all the big things you like to say,
That women cant keep the mirror away
You too want the fairest dame
And then you call us women vain!!!!

I am no Angel!

I am no Angel,
Nor,a Goddess of your dream.
I am neither a temptress,
Nor a star in your eyes to gleam.

I am,but,a woman,a lover,a mate
I am a partner to your soul,chosen by your fate.
I have no war with you,
But I too want a deal fair and true!

I seduce you,as you say.
But I do it my way..
With my body and with my brain..
Its you,who make the choice plain.

I am fair and young,
But the rose will fade from my cheek one day,
Will you love me,then,mid fallin' leaves
As you did mid the bloom of May!

I require all things that are grand a true,
All things that a man should be.
If you give this all,
I will stake my life to be all you demand of me!

I am so scared!

The blinding mist around,
Caught in the mid sea,
The shore is beyond me...

The expanse of the sea;
No sight of land,
No voices to hear,
No proffered hand

O' God! I m scared!

No calm waters,
No serene skies;
No sunshine songs,
No happy cries
All I hear is furious storm,

O' God! I m alone!

Peering through the mist, I see
The gloomy waters that stare at me.
Several boats now pass by me,
I look at them sailing happily.

Only,I am stranded
They all landed!

Oh God! I m alone!!

The dark falls on my hopes,
My helpless heart seeks and gropes
For,one beam of light
To see me through this night.

God! I am scared!

At the helm,i senselessly steer,
My vision clouded by fear
O,where is the one strong and fired?
You don't know, God,I feel so tired!

The boat is so small,
The sea is so huge.
Take me to the shore
My fears seek refuge!

Dilemma

Lest,I become a habit to you,
Difficult to shake off,
But,hard to live with.
Bemoaned often,
and cared less
But again,
tough to let go;
I should take your leave.

Before the words I wish to say,
Die, as a sigh on my lips
I should take your leave.

I have mustered the courage today,
To have my say...
To tell you,
What you think
But cant convey...

Lest, the love, that you feel for me,
Brings you to a point
That you feel,
Caught in a dilemma.
I should take your leave.....

Tribute

An year later...tears dont stop!

O, dearest mine!
Where do you dwell now?
Are you shining among the stars?
Or, you bloom among the flowers?

I have seen your smiling face in the sky
Since the day, we bid you goodbye.
A tearful farewell was all we could give
Your suffering, your pain, sought refuge.

In a trance, I move about
The illusion of your being, still around.

I pick up the phone to make a call
Sadly then, I recall
Hey, you aren’t going to be there,
Who is going to soothe my despair?

No tears shall fall today;
You aren’t going to kiss them away.
No fears shall now seek comfort;
I have to be brave to combat this hurt.

As you suffered and cried in pain,
All our prayers passed in vain.
You prayed for an easy release,
We prayed, but, for a fresh lease.

He, but heard your pleas
God’s favourite you had to be!
He has you now playing in his lap
We make do only with your snap.

Every joyous moment wears thin,
Without you being here within.
Come back to us as a calming thought
Ease us of the pain that your departure brought.

O, where are you, my sweet!
Why hasn’t my heart stopped to beat?
Do you see me grieving?
You took a part of me while leaving..

Dolly,28th may,07
__________________________________________________________________
This write is my tribute to my elder sister who passed away last year on this date. Her end came as a relief to the soul which suffered for two years in acute pain and agony.. she got the relief and we got the grief.. this write is for the one who could never see tears in my eyes..
To you didi,with all my love!

Pass me on your dreams,mom

Pass me on you dreams, mom
I promise to make them true.
Won't you lend me that essence
That makes you just YOU?

They say I have your eyes.
I wish, but, I had your vision too.
When you urged me to spread my wings
You could see my horizons new!

I have the power, ma!
But you have the strength.
I am still learning to take some leaps
But you have walked the length.

The wrinkles that weather you face,
Is yet another beautiful phase.
Each passing year makes you more beautiful
An Angel that you seem always!

I took a road different than yours;
Confronted I was with many fears
You walked steadily besides me
Voicing your cheers!

You couldn’t have given me more
After you gave me faith in prayers
I don’t know where He exists
Its you, I believed in, all these years!

Where is God?
He enjoys the fame
Isn’t that you, ma
With just another name!

The hornbill song

Times and times I waited for this.
The beak is dry, dry! Everything is so dry!
Perched on,
Looking at the clouds above,
Hoping for a tinge of darkness,
My soul whispered the
Hornbill song in your ears.

The clouds have drifted above us,
The skies inviting for another flight
If you must fly, go take a soar
I shall keep you secure in my sight.

Some scattered twigs I pick,
Some bits of straw you bring.
Together, we build another life
For there could be another stormy night!


Now the rain has to fall
And surely it won’t fall for me alone!

And now it falls softly, a blessed relief!
Drinking thirstily, my soul keeps,
A prayer, a song, within its being…

Endless Assault

Countless demons possess my soul.
Countless questions pierce my calm.
Doubt infested, guilt laden
My soul cries for succour.

Times, when I didn’t stand up for myself,
Times, when I didn’t honour my being,
And, the times, when my mind averted its head,
At the cry of my lacerated soul.

Moments trapped under dead weight,
Scream above the placid state,
Come out crawling, yet again,
Triggering the revival of pain.

Countless efforts to numb my senses,
Countless ways to ease the pain
Helpless, desperate
My soul cries yet again.

Sleepless nights,
Dreamless eyes.
A heart vacant
A spirit cries.

Fears crowd,
Hope struggles for space.
Doubts cloud,
Belief leaves no trace.

Countless questions still unanswered,
Countless demons still undeterred

Dolly, 5 aug,2007.

Venus Wronged

Venus wronged

Dancing along her
Luscious curves,
His eyes fail to reach her soul.

The bosom that clutches
A sea of emotions,
Remains for him
A temptation
To explore.

His world is open,
He seeks a temptress,
To seduce him to
The pleasures unknown.

Her world is limited,
She seeks a saviour
To protect her from
The dangers unknown.

She stands before him,
Holding an ocean of
Love and trust.

He rejects it blatantly
For better offerings of
Greed and lust.

She wants to walk with him
In search of a better tomorrow

He wants to walk ahead
Leaving her in his shadow

Is she a temptress?
A goddess or, an angel?
Or, just a plain woman,
Destined to exist,
at his whim